


The Courage of Stars

by pdlbean



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Domestic, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-16 09:54:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8097631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pdlbean/pseuds/pdlbean
Summary: Commander Shepard survived the destruction of the Reapers, but would it have been better to die on the Citadel than to face everything to come next? (Rating/warnings to change in future chapters. Past Female Shepard/Kaidan Alenko implied)





	1. Prologue

_“If I’m up there in that bar and you’re not, I’ll be looking down. You’ll never be alone.”_  


Garrus could only hope that was true. It all replayed over and over in his head like the world’s worst vid, every moment from the second they landed on Earth to when she disappeared into that damned beam. _“No matter what happens here, you know I love you. I always will.”_ It was the first time he’d ever said it back, at least in that exact order. He’d called her the love of his life, even told her he loved her _hair_ when he was drunk. But outright saying it? He never had. He always figured that she knew, that it didn’t need to be spoken aloud. But now it was all he could think about. _I only said it once. Why did I only ever say it once?_  


Garrus was being escorted to the Normandy's med bay when Harbinger’s beam wiped out the ground squads, trying not to go out of his mind with worry for Shepard. He wasn't doing a very good job at it. _“We’re in this ‘til the end.”_ He had promised himself he would always be at her side, fighting their way through whatever this godforsaken galaxy decided to throw at them. Reapers, Cerberus, geth… But he’d left her when it mattered most, made her face the end of this war alone. He should have been there. Should have insisted that he stay. But then he heard a voice crackle to life over the comm.

“Someone made it to the Citadel.”

_That’s my girl_ , Garrus thought from his spot on an exam table, being tended to by Dr. Chakwas. Shepard didn’t need his help, or anyone else’s. She never had. She could jump into the ocean in a damned mech, convince an ancient alien race to join the biggest war in galactic history, and make it back to the surface all on her own. Of course she made it to the Citadel. She was going to win this for them all. But Garrus had to face reality. There wasn’t much of a chance she was leaving the Citadel alive, or at all. She’d sent him away because she wanted him to be spared what she knew she had to do. And really, this was the only way this could have ended from the start. Shepard had gotten them this far, and she had to be the one to get them out of it for good.  


And get them out of it she did. Suddenly, a huge explosion rocked all the ships left in Earth’s atmosphere… and the Reapers disappeared. One by one, they were gone as if they had never been there at all. _Only Shepard_ , Garrus thought. She’d managed to end a war that had been raging longer than anyone dared imagine. No one knew how long the cycle had gone on, but Shepard had broken it once and for all. The orphan from Earth had saved her home world and the whole damn galaxy just by being the stubborn woman she was.  


When everything settled, the Normandy had been blown severely off course. Most of their nav systems were down, and they had no way of knowing exactly where they were. Joker was forced to make an emergency landing on a world that was habitable, but unfamiliar. And EDI… well, EDI had powered down during the chaos, and despite several desperate attempts at the AI core, she couldn’t be brought back online. Slowly, the crew accepted the truth. She was gone. Joker took it about as well as he ever took anything and kept working on the ship, refusing to speak to anyone who tried to comfort him, his only words being the occasional half-hearted evasive joke.  


EDI’s name was placed on the memorial wall along with everyone else they’d lost getting this far. They had all brought them to the end of all this, from Ashley Williams to Thane Krios. None of them would be standing without everyone who made the ultimate sacrifice for their cause. There was only one name left to put on the wall. Kaidan handed Garrus Shepard’s plaque, his hands shaking slightly. Garrus ran his hand along her name, smiling wistfully. Shepard was truly one of a kind, and he was the lucky bastard she’d decided she loved. He would never be sure how in the hell that happened, but he would always be grateful it had. No matter how things ended up.  


Garrus didn’t put her name up immediately. Instead, he silently left his confused squad mates standing at the wall and went to his quarters, where he kept the plaque for the next several days. It wasn’t until the Normandy was ready to take off and do an emergency FTL jump back to the Sol system that, in the middle of the night, he walked into the hallway and put Shepard’s name at the top, above Admiral Anderson’s. He stared at it for a long while, the emptiness that had become all too familiar starting to become too much to bear. After everything he'd lost... his home world, countless friends, nearly his entire family... it was the absence of a single person that was doing him in. Garrus stood still for the longest time, losing himself in his own thoughts, until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and saw Liara beside him. He nodded once, she squeezed his shoulder, and he returned to his quarters. That was as close as anyone had come to mentioning Shepard to him since the battle.  


It was decided that the Normandy’s crew would return to Earth and do what they could to help with the cleanup. When their job was done, they would return the ship to the Alliance. It felt wrong, somehow. The Normandy might have started out as an Alliance ship, but above all it was _Shepard’s_ ship. So many of the soldiers she’d carried on her weren’t Alliance, weren’t even human. This ship had become something else, something more than she’d been before. She felt empty without Shepard, but maybe she could do someone else some good now.  


When the Normandy crew returned to Earth, bodies were still being pulled from the wreckage at ground zero, where Harbinger had been and above which the Citadel had been kept. The Citadel was enormous, and some of its remains had found their way to Earth's surface, mixing in with the twisted metal of London’s own damage. The Citadel represented a hell of a lot to just about everyone in the galaxy, Garrus included. It was the place he had once worked, with his ideals of how he would make the galaxy a better place. It was where he first met Shepard and agreed to join her on her quest to take down Saren. But all Garrus could think about, seeing bits and pieces of a life he once lived that had been shattered as quickly as the Citadel’s walls, was the picture Shepard had hung above the fireplace at her apartment. It was the only picture they had taken all together, and one of the only images Garrus had of her. He hadn’t asked for a copy. Why the hell hadn’t he?  


Garrus stood in the middle of the carnage, knowing that her body hadn’t been found yet, if it was intact at all, and they were on a recovery mission. Not a rescue mission. But he did his duty, overturning every bit of rubble he could and searching for the remaining victims. With each slab of sheet rock he would see her face in his imagination, mangled and nearly unrecognizable, staring lifelessly up at him. _She would keep going_ , he told himself, and moved another chunk of debris.  


“We got a live one!” a voice shouted over the comm. That was a surprise. How could anyone have survived, being this close to where the Citadel went down? “Repeat, this soldier is alive, but barely! We need emergency evac, now!” Well, if anyone could have… No. Garrus couldn’t get his hopes up. But then…  


“It’s Shepard! It’s Shepard!”


	2. Chapter 2

Garrus literally dropped everything and ran. He wasn’t sure where he was going, or even if he was headed in the right direction. All he knew was that he had to get to her. “What’s your position?” he asked into the comm as he made his way over rubble and debris. Was this real? Was she alive? “What’s your position?!” he repeated more forcefully when he didn’t get an immediate reply.

“About a hundred yards east of the Normandy’s landing site,” the voice said. “We gotta get her out of here!” 

Garrus kept running, nearly tripping over a beam lying on the ground in front of him. He maneuvered over it, stumbling in his haste. Damn it, which way was east? He spotted the Normandy in the distance and made his way there as fast as he could. Getting closer to the ship, he spotted a commotion to his left and headed toward it. “Is medical responding?” They had to get her to a hospital in time. She had been out here for days, alone with no food or water, and every second counted. 

“We’re on the scene, Garrus,” Dr. Chakwas’ voice assured him. Garrus didn’t slow down. He finally reached the scene, frantically shoving people to the side to get to Shepard. Her helmet was still on, so he couldn’t see her face, but that was her. He could see her chest moving rapidly with short, uneven breaths. She was alive. Spirits, she was _alive_. 

“Where are we taking her?” he asked, keeping pace with the others as they carried Shepard on a stretcher back toward the Normandy. They hadn’t exactly prepared for survivors. This many days after the battle, in this kind of situation, they weren’t thinking they’d find anyone needing medical attention. 

“We’ll have to do an FTL jump to the next system over,” Dr. Chakwas told him, continually checking Shepard’s vital signs on her omni-tool as she half-jogged alongside the stretcher. “There are hospitals on stations in nearby systems that have been taking in the wounded.” 

“We need the best out there,” Garrus insisted. “We aren’t losing her!” She’d survived for a purpose. She was the toughest person Garrus had ever met, probably that had ever existed, and there had to be a reason she kept surviving all these things that would have killed anyone else a hundred times over. The Reapers were gone and somehow she was still breathing. They weren’t going to lose her now. He wouldn’t allow it. 

“No one wants Commander Shepard to die,” Dr. Chakwas insisted. “Everything that can be done will be done, Garrus. I promise you.” That was going to have to be enough for now. Garrus nodded, realizing that protesting any further would waste precious moments. They got Shepard onto the Normandy and Garrus sat with her as Joker was informed of the situation and given coordinates for the best hospital within a feasible distance. They made the jump to FTL and flew to a space station in a nearby system where victims of the war who had managed to survive were being treated. 

The Normandy docked onto the station. Several doctors and nurses stood waiting for them in the docking bay. Shepard was prepared for transport into the hospital, and Garrus walked alongside her as she was moved from the Normandy’s med bay and into the docking area. “We’ll take it from here,” a salarian doctor told Garrus matter-of-factly, pushing his hand away from Shepard’s gurney. Garrus made a fist and swallowed his protest. “She will likely need extensive surgery. This could take hours. We will be in contact when there’s news. You’re welcome to sit in our waiting room in the meantime, of course.” The staff started to wheel Shepard into the hospital. Garrus stopped one of the doctors, an asari, with a firm hand on her shoulder. The asari turned to look at him. 

“You’re the best, aren’t you?” he asked, looking between the staff and Shepard. The asari nodded, smiling understandingly. 

“We are,” she promised. “Would they have brought Commander Shepard to anyone less?” Garrus wasn’t sure he appreciated her tone, but he supposed she was right. The order to bring her here wouldn’t have been given if these people weren’t able to help her. Shepard was a symbol to the entire galaxy. If word got out that she’d been recovered alive but had died on an operating table? No one involved would ever hear the end of it. Garrus nodded and let go of the asari, letting the staff wheel Shepard away and out of sight. 

The Normandy crew waited anxiously outside the OR for news. Garrus paced anxiously, unable to keep still. “Would you sit down?” Joker spoke up after a time, his own knee bouncing. “Or at least pace where I can’t see you? You’re making me nervous.” Garrus didn’t sit down, but he did retreat to a corner on the opposite side of the room, away from the others. 

Shepard was in surgery for hours. None of the crew left the hospital for anything, even when it started getting late and the doctors suggested they return to their ship to sleep. Shepard was their friend, their _family_ and they weren’t going anywhere. Finally, the salarian doctor came out to find them. “Commander Shepard’s vitals are stable,” he told them. “But her body has suffered immense trauma. It’s possible she won’t wake up for several days, if at all.” Garrus almost laughed at the thought. Shepard had survived this long. Hell, she had _died_ once and she was still here. She wouldn’t go out like this. No way in hell. “She may have one visitor at a time.” Everyone looked to Garrus, who nodded and followed the doctor back to Shepard’s room. 

Garrus stayed at her side over the next four days while she remained unconscious. He only ate when Liara or Tali brought food up to the room and insisted he take it, and slept curled up uncomfortably in the recliner in the corner of the room. Everyone had their share of time at Shepard’s bedside, talking to her or simply sitting in silence, and all of them assured Garrus that she would wake up and start giving them all orders before they knew it. He believed it a little less every day. 

But on the fourth day, slowly, she started to stir. When she started to move her head and mumble, Garrus rushed into the hallway. “Someone, help!” he shouted to anyone who would listen. “I think she’s waking up!” A doctor followed him into Shepard’s room. 

“Commander Shepard, can you hear me?” the doctor asked, shining a light in her eyes. “Pupils are reacting normally. She appears to be regaining consciousness.” It took several more minutes, but Shepard’s eyes finally opened and darted around the room. “Commander Shepard?” the doctor repeated. 

“Where…” Shepard mumbled groggily. What was this place? The last thing she remembered was activating the Crucible. Then an impossibly loud noise, a bright light… and then nothing. Was this it? Heaven? 

“Shepard.” Shepard turned toward the voice. _His_ voice. There was no mistaking it. 

“Garrus…” she managed before she even saw him. She felt the familiar sensation of him grabbing her hand and curled her fingers around his instinctively. 

“It’s me, I’m here,” her boyfriend promised her. Shepard relaxed. Garrus was here, so everything was alright. Wait… Garrus was here… 

“What happened?” she asked, attempting to sit up. 

“Whoa there,” Garrus said as he gently held Shepard’s shoulder to keep her on the bed. “I know you want to get up and moving, but maybe give it more than ten seconds.” 

“I had the Normandy evac you,” Shepard said, the moments of the battle in London coming back to her piece by piece. Harbinger towering over them, the truck flipping and nearly crushing Garrus. Holding onto his last words to her like a life preserver as she trudged toward the beam. _Shepard, I love you too…_ “Why are you here?” Shepard began to panic all over again. Why was he dead too? What happened? 

“Where else would I be?” Garrus asked and sat on the edge of her bed. She held on tight to his hand, glancing around and attempting to get her bearings. 

“But you…” Slowly, Shepard’s environment started to come together. She was in a bed, there were monitors all around her, and the room was so white everywhere it almost hurt to look at. A monitor hung on the opposite wall, playing some vid or another. The other people in the room wore long coats… She wasn’t dead after all, was she? “Where are we?” 

“A hospital, a system over from Sol,” Garrus explained patiently. “The best that’s left after the invasion, or so I’m told.” He supposed they were right, if Shepard was alive and talking to him after everything she’d been through. 

“We’re alive?” How was that possible? She had blown the Citadel all to hell while she was standing on it. How could she have survived something like that? 

“After this, I think the universe will finally stop trying to kill you,” Garrus joked, trying to keep the mood light even though he felt like he could break down any second. “It has to know by now that it’s impossible.” 

“Are you okay?” The last time Shepard saw Garrus, he wasn’t in very good shape. Not fighting shape, anyway. He seemed alright now, but if she knew Garrus he would shrug off anything that happened to him and get right back to work, whether it was a good idea or not. 

“I’m fine,” Garrus assured her. “I have a few new scars you can try to find later.” Shepard laughed, then winced and held her side. Garrus flinched sympathetically. “I’m sorry.” Garrus leaned over and kissed her forehead. “You gave us a good scare. We thought… Well, I guess we should never assume anything when it comes to you.” 

“What about everyone else?” It had been one hell of a war zone. Shepard had no idea if the Normandy and everyone on board had made it through unscathed. 

“Everyone came out alright, more or less,” Garrus promised. “Except…” He trailed off. The one casualty of the final battle from their crew had hit them all pretty hard. They weren’t sure why it had happened exactly, but most suspected it had something to do with the Crucible and how it destroyed the Reapers. “EDI…” Shepard leaned back against her pillow and closed her eyes. Of course. EDI. The Catalyst had warned her that all synthetic life would be wiped out by the Crucible. But she hadn’t had a choice… had she? The other choices were wrong, unthinkable. She had done the only thing she could. God, how was she ever going to look Joker in the eye again? “It isn’t your fault, it just…” Shepard shook her head and looked away from Garrus, gluing her eyes on the vid playing across from her bed. 

“Is that _Fleet and Flotilla_?” she asked, recognizing the vid from her night with Tali at her apartment. Garrus followed her gaze, deciding for the moment to ignore the abrupt and inappropriate change of topic. 

“I don’t know,” he lied quickly. “I just let it play whatever is on while I’m in here…” Shepard turned back to Garrus and gave him a pointed look. 

“Garrus, I know you have the soundtrack on your visor,” Shepard said, remembering the dossier on the Shadow Broker’s ship. Garrus laughed out loud and shifted a little closer to her on the bed. 

“I’m not even going to ask how you know that.” Shepard moved as close to Garrus as she could and rested her head on his arm. She loved it when he was dressed like this, in his civilian clothes instead of his armor, when she was able to actually be close to him. “Call it a, what is it humans say? A guilty pleasure?” Shepard smiled softly. 

“I always knew you were a hopeless romantic,” she mumbled sleepily, feeling as if she could fall asleep any second. Probably a side effect of waking up after spending so much time out of it. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Garrus said and kissed Shepard’s head, feeling her get heavier against his side as she drifted off to sleep. “The galaxy was starting to feel pretty damn empty.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Come on, once more, Commander Shepard,” an asari physical therapist urged several weeks later. Shepard, sitting in her wheelchair with a sour expression on her face, rolled her eyes. “I bet you can’t get halfway across.” Shepard snorted.

“Nice try,” she said flatly. It would take more than a thinly veiled attempt to piss her off to get her back on those stupid parallel bars. 

“Shepard,” Garrus’ exasperated voice sounded from beside her. “They’re not going to let you out of these sessions unless you do the exercises. You haven’t been making enough progress.” Shepard turned away from him and glared toward the window. “Come on, I thought you were an overachiever at everything. Are you gonna let this get the better of you?” 

“Walking?” Shepard snapped back and looked at her boyfriend, who was knelt beside her chair with that damn look in his eyes. Like she was some porcelain doll he had to protect. He’d never looked at her that way before all this. She hated it. “I don’t think anyone is gonna be calling me a hero for taking four steps and falling like a drunk toddler.” 

“I will,” Garrus replied easily. Shepard chuckled humorlessly and shook her head. 

“Then you need to raise your standards on heroics.” Garrus sighed. It was like beating his head against a brick wall most days. But still, every morning he would show up here with breakfast for them both and updates on the rest of the crew and how they were doing. The mass relays were still non-functional, so everyone was stuck in Sol and the surrounding systems for now. Most were still helping the reconstruction effort on Earth in one way or another. The Alliance let them keep control of the Normandy for the time being, so they were all still living aboard. Shepard hadn’t set foot in it since the Reapers were destroyed. Well, she hadn’t stepped foot on _anything_ since then. 

“Just one more try,” Garrus pleaded. 

“For what?” Shepard asked. “Say I do learn how to walk again. What then? I sit behind a desk for the rest of my life? What’s the point? I’ll never be me again.” 

“There’s probably still good beachfront property on Earth somewhere,” Garrus replied. “With a big yard, of course. For the kids.” Shepard scoffed. 

“You mean you actually wanted that?” she countered coldly. “I thought that was just talk when we were overemotional.” Garrus looked at her, genuinely hurt. 

“Well, it wasn’t,” he said and stood up. He moved away from her, as if trying to run from what he might say next. “You know, Shepard, you’re a real pain in the ass to be around these days,” he told her, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Then why are you still here?” The retort was so sudden and sharp that, for once, Garrus was speechless. He met Shepard’s eyes. If they were daggers, they’d be running him through. He shrugged. 

“Because we’re in this together.” His sincerity and the familiar line made Shepard’s expression soften. 

“We can try again in a few minutes,” the therapist said, probably attempting to escape the palpable tension that now filled the room. “Sit tight, I’ll be back.” She left the two of them alone and Shepard looked over at Garrus, an apology on her lips. But before she could get it out, he spoke. 

“Joker wanted to know if…” 

“No,” Shepard replied immediately. 

“He isn’t angry,” Garrus promised for the thousandth time. “I think he’s just looking for some answers.” 

“No,” Shepard said again, more forcefully. 

“You didn’t know the Crucible was going to kill her,” Garrus continued, apparently not taking her no for an answer. “Joker understands that…” Shepard stayed silent, looking away from her boyfriend once again. “You won’t even give him closure?” That didn’t sound like the Shepard he knew. He could understand her feeling guilty, but refusing to even talk to Joker about it? It was cruel, and not like her at all. Still, he got no response. With another weary sigh, he headed for the door. “Should I tell the therapist that you’re canceling the rest of your session? Again?” Nothing. Garrus shook his head and reached for the door knob. 

“I did,” Shepard said quietly, still not looking at him. Garrus let go of the knob and walked back toward her. 

“What?” Shepard lifted her eyes to look at him. 

“I knew,” she said, her voice heavy with shame. “I knew EDI was going to die.” Garrus furrowed his brow and pulled a chair up next to hers. 

“When?” he asked gently. No anger there, no judgement. Damn it, why did he have to be so fucking _understanding_ all the time? God knew she didn’t deserve it now. 

“Right before I triggered the Crucible.” Garrus reached for her hand. 

“Then it’s still not—“ Shepard pulled her hand away and shook her head. 

“I had other choices.” Tears started to well in her eyes. She hadn’t told anyone this yet. About the Catalyst, about the other two options that were presented to her. She’d carried it for weeks, letting it eat her alive. Agonizing over what she’d done, and if it was the right thing. Garrus had accepted everything else she’d done in this war, but could he accept this? Of course, as always, he was right beside her and patiently waiting for her explanation. “The Crucible could do other things besides destroy the Reapers. I could have… controlled them. Become their master.” She didn’t quite understand exactly how it would have worked, something about her consciousness living on and taking control of them, but she did know no one would have had to die and the Reapers would have stopped their harvest. To Shepard’s surprise, Garrus snorted in indignation. 

“Controlled them?” he repeated, and Shepard could tell that he already had an answer for her guilt. “You mean what the Illusive Man wanted to do? The guy who was _indoctrinated_?” Shepard hadn’t looked at it that way. Maybe there was a reason she hadn’t. “Doesn’t take a genius to do the math on that one, Shepard.” 

“Or I could have combined synthetic and organic DNA with my own,” Shepard continued. Garrus laughed out loud. 

“What?” he said incredulously. Shepard had to crack a smile. 

“The Catalyst said It was the final evolution of life,” she explained. “That synthetics and organics would understand each other, and there would be peace.” 

“I don’t even know how that would work, but it sounds like a pile of crap to me,” Garrus told Shepard confidently. “You did the only thing you could. If you ask me, if you had done anything else you would have been playing right into the Reaper’s hands.” Shepard nodded. She should have told Garrus all of this earlier. Leave it to him to take fears and guilt that had been tearing her apart for weeks and solve it in seconds. “EDI knew that she might not be coming out of this. All of us did, and any one of us would tell you that the sacrifice was worth it if it stopped the Reapers. So don’t worry about what she would think.” Shepard wiped an errant tear away. 

“Tell Joker that he can come see me tomorrow,” she said. Garrus nodded. 

“I will,” he promised. “Do you wanna try to conquer the bars one more time?” 

“Why?” Shepard asked. “Whether I walk again or not, I can never command a ship again. I can’t fight, not like I used to. They’ll give me some pity title or an honorable discharge. What’ll I be then?” 

“A badass?” Garrus replied without hesitation. Shepard smiled fully for the first time in days. She heard her own words from earlier in her head and gave her boyfriend an apologetic look. 

“I love you,” she told him sincerely and kissed his cheek. 

“Back at you,” Garrus replied. He still rarely said the words, although Shepard heard them a little more often than she had before the war ended. Still, she knew how he felt and didn’t need him to say it back every time. And it just made the times he did say it that much more special. “Come on, we’ll do it together.” Garrus stood up and offered his hands to Shepard. She took them and struggled to her feet. She didn’t know how she would ever walk on her own again when it still hurt this fucking much just to stand up. Shepard looked at her omni-tool as a notification went off. 

“Message from Tali,” she said, slowly lowering herself back into her chair. “I will after, I promise.” Shepard brought up the message and read it. 

_Shepard,_

_I received a message from Rannoch. Apparently, the geth suffered the same fate as EDI after the destruction of the Reapers. However, they are already looking for ways to rebuild them. Many Admirals are arguing that without the geth, it will take us too long to acclimate to the homeworld and the benefits of rebuilding them outweigh the risks. Not everyone agrees, of course, but some promising ideas have already surfaced. I believe the techniques can be used to rebuild EDI, in theory. As an Admiral, I have full access. I’m on my way to the hospital now to show them to you. Do not tell Joker until we have more information._

_Tali_


End file.
